I haven't written a journal in a while.

I'm barely back, and you are one of like, EXACTLY two people I wanted to see when I came back. Because we never were good at keeping in touch. Because we always had a hard time dealing with each other's problems, but we always wanted to know. And conversations inevitably lead that way.

. . . Fuck, I 'unno. My mind's racing right now.

You could send me a pizza, but you never sent me that note you wanted me to read when you weren't around.

Speaking purely platonically (I wouldn't want to freak you out, thinking I suddenly had a hard-on for you, I know how you are with this shit), I love you, man.

Sorry for any typos or anything that doesn't make sense. Started writing before I was fully awake, heh. A little more personal than I've been in this journal in a long time, but you'll get over it.

--

#deviant365's task for today is to tell what May means to us. I've never actively participated in the tasks, but figured it'd be a good time to share what's been going on in my life and why May means what it does to me.

It's been a rough few months for my family, and for me.
My lovely aunt Deb fell and broke a bone not long ago, and not too long after going through some rigorous treatments for a while for a form of brain cancer that, while they tried, cannot be removed entirely. She's doing really well. Going through physical therapy and treatments and medicines and the hectic schedule of dealing with two young active teenage boys can be rough. This month, her therapy for her break is nearly complete and she's starting to feel better. Moving around, becoming more active. She's doing well, and we're excited for her.

Another wonderful aunt of mine, on a different side of the family, Vicki, has been hospitalized for the past six or seven weeks due to blood clots in her lungs, heart failure, and kidney failure. We spent much of March and April crossing our fingers while she was in an induced coma until they could get her stabilized. She's out of her coma now, and in an assisted living environment with everything but her kidneys going strong again. I'm extremely proud of her. Her husband, my uncle, is not in the greatest health either but showing strength I've not seen in a long time from anyone. At the end of May, we're holding a benefit garage sale to help them out since, as I'm sure some of you know, disability doesn't pay shit, bills don't stop because you're sick or hurting, and every little bit helps. They're going strong, and we're proud.

My mother, love her or hate her, has been struggling a lot and came quite close to an emotional breakdown. But recently discovered spring, alone time, walks in the park. Comfort in little things. And I know it's only a small thing, but I'm thrilled she's finding comfort somewhere because she's taken a beating lately mentally and emotionally. The change in weather has a lot to do with this.

My brother's family (he's married now and has a daughter in kindergarten) has been struggling hard and facing constant eviction threats. With job opportunities slipping out of their hands, cars breaking down at the worst possible moments, and nowhere to really go but their car if eviction does happen, things have been lookin' pretty shitty. Spent many mornings through April listening to them vent and talking them through things, trying to help them out. Got them caught up on bills, and just last week his wife started working at a job that will be plenty adequate to keep their heads above water.

My great grandmother, one of the strongest and most capable and most loving people I've ever known, and a 'damn good farmer's wife,' passed away last month at age 90. Her services were the weekend before last, and I'm proud of her and the life she led. A very full one. But any loss is hard. And we've come together for that in a wonderful way.

I spent much of April relearning how to live alone, after `auralwhiplash left late March. I think anyone who knows me very well at all knows how bitter I am about the circumstances, but we'll leave details out here. He's still not a bad person, but some bridges aren't worth building a third time. Losing someone, and dealing with change, has never been easy for me. But I've come a long way in the past five or six weeks, and am perhaps better for it.

And, as a lot of you #dAmn people and others who pay attention know, I broke my leg on the 21st. I was celebrating with my brother and sister-in-law, because it was her birthday and she was just about to start working again, with me. A little too drunk, and a freak fall against a curb snapped my tibia pretty badly. Trying to walk again in drunken stubbornness, I broke my fibula as well. For a kid, that's pretty rough to deal with. But their bones are growing and they heal pretty smoothly. For an adult, especially one who works as often as I do and one who is so determined to be self-reliant, not being able to go to work and make money or even stay in my own home (upstairs apartment, woops!) and take care of my own cats (miss you, loves!) for upwards of three months is one hell of a rough blow. The pain is negligible compared to not being self-sufficient. But I'm already learning different ways to do things on my own, get around better, and find tasks to challenge myself so I can still feel a bit of accomplishment and progress. It's only been a week and a half or so, and I'd really really really love to be able to get back to work with my sister-in-law and everyone else, but it's going to be okay. Got my granny-walker, got my vitamins, and got a bonafied reason I cannot touch that malt liquor for a while. (Believe me, I was drinking waaaaay too much.) So it'll be for the best.

So, April was kind of a stressful month. But with the start of May, I really believe everything's looking better. May is the true start of spring for me. Flowers are starting to bloom, the sun is shining more, and we're all pushing forward. Spring is one of my favorite seasons (I like fall too!) because of the regrowth, the color, the brilliance the weather brings. This year, regrowth and blooming takes on a whole new meaning. And I welcome it wholeheartedly.

May means a better beginning and progress for my family and me.

I have very recently started a habit of sharing images I like on Pinterest (username is bellchild, if you're curious). The pins are always linked directly toward the deviation page, and not the file itself, to properly give credit to the artist.

However, some artists don't like having their work shared like this. If I notice a request for it not to be shared, or notice a lack of sharing features, I will not pin the work. However, if you catch it pinned and don't want it there, feel free to note me and I will delete it.

It's just an easy way for me to share work with others. I personally love seeing deviantART work (with proper credit, of course) getting noticed over other places on the internet, and love sharing it if I can.

Juuuuust throwing that out there!

I know I haven't actually been that active since I posted about having internet, but recent events (lolboozebrokemylegowwwwie) have put me in a sitting position for a while. . .

So hey, I'm back! Again! Sort of! Over the past few days, my interest in browsing has increased quite a bit. The art was always my first love when it comes to dA, and while I'm drawn to dAmn, it's my biggest interest right now.

And I gotta say, even though it's only been a few days so far, finding beautiful work, inspiring work, thought provoking work. . . and just enjoying or pondering it. . . has been a pretty big boost for me. I'm not one to sit still long, and between work and family and life in general, I usually don't sit still long. And I'm not one to be dependent on others, so being stuck in a bed or recliner, unable to work or cook or move or live in my own apartment (STAIRSOHMYGOSH) and having to ask for help or this or that all the time kind of has me in a rut. Being able to come here and feel that inspiration again is wonderful. And in a less than eloquent way, I'd really like to thank the site as a whole (is there a way to do that? I mean, besides money or getting on my knees and worshipping, because neither can really happen right now!) for still existing and being awesome.

So, I'm sure for the next three months at least (I really do hope it's less, but I mean that in a nice way!), I'm back and want to see the best everyone has.

And if anyone feels like a chat, I'll be on dAmn too but feel free to hit me up on Skype or Facebook. I'll be around a lot, probably, when I'm not sleeping or doped up. And could definitely use some company whenever!

I ACTUALLY HAVE INTERNETS BACK SO I EXIST AGAIN OHMYGOSH.

I am playing with my webcam. And after sunlight, looky. I have more freckles. And a new necklace. And tits.

Yeaaaaah.

I have nothing to say, but I figured I'd say it anyway.

JELLYBEANS AND WIENERS.

Eh. Yeah! Posted on Facebook earlier in the week about being just under 160 now, and I figured I'd be a hoface and post a picture proving that I'm looking at least a little better! <.< Honestly don't really feel like I look any different, but I'm told otherwise and rollin' with it. Whatever.

Anyway. Blah. Good to remind myself that it's moving.
And, look, it's my face.

(Yeah, I'm a mess, but it's totally bum weekend.)

HI.

I still exist. See. It's me right here, typing these words. REALLY.

Still don't have internet, but I'm trying to pop in once a week or so at my mom's. Things are rocky here and there, but I gotta say, I actually feel pretty fucking awesome most of the time.

Uhm. The flowers getting submitted to my gallery lately probably won't stop. With the weather as it is, flowers work wonders for my mood. If you don't like 'em, tough.

Working a decent amount, getting new coworkers to meet, drinking too much on the weekends, and being naked as often as possible. That's about my life as it stands right now.

I do get on Facebook on my phone a lot, and if you have my number or me on Facebook, hit me up anytime. Always looking for some entertainment!

OKAY. Dudes. Guys.

I'm not going to beg you, but I did want to be a hobag and point out that I went ahead and put up a points donation thing for the hell of it. Because the move means I have my own walls to decorate again, when I get settled I'm going to be buying up some nommy prints. So feel free to throw points my way if you want. There are obviously better places and more needy people for points in this world, but hey. I showed you my tits. C'mon.

Also.

Looky, I'm a senior again. Told you. It feels good. Loved MN@ time. And will still be around dAmn. And #help.
And no dramas, nothing big to learn. No secrets about why I left. None of that shit. So don't go poking me on Skype wanting to know WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?! or something. Srsly.
It's time to give up the responsibility (and those epicfuntiems) and get down to the dirty of why I love deviantART. The art, the community interaction (that I don't need any hat for, and neither do you, whinybutts who think you can't do anything for the community unless you get an OMGHATPLZ), and being a drunken slutbucket in #devart. I got the real world to worry about. I want to be babysat in #devart, not be the babysitter for every other drunken slutbucket in #devart.

PS I love you all like a fat kid loves, uh, fat kid stuff.

Well, hello, February!

This'll probably be a pretty busy, and interesting, month for me. It's gearing up to be, anyway. As I mentioned in my last journal, I am moving. Despite all the wanting it, thinking about it, and planning to do it eventually, I feel entirely unprepared. No matter how many lists I make and how many times I run back over everything I need and how it's going to get paid for, I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm getting into.
It's not the first time I've moved, obviously. But it's the first time I've done it alone. Am I going to remember pepper? Toilet paper? What if I clog the toilet before I can afford a plunger? o.O So, yeah, I'm stressing like a PMSy windbag and making and erasing list after list and note after note because none of them leave me feeling more prepared.
Things are going as well as can be expected, though. I mean, money's going to be really tight over the next little while because I'm starting with, like, nothing. But it's my nothing that'll be in my space. And I'm really grateful for all the help some coworkers and family are offering. Especially in this shit weather.

February is also the month for that one silly holiday, uh, Valentine's Day. I'm pretty bad about using every holiday I come across as an excuse to drink and celebrate and be an obnoxious twenty-something. I've never really celebrated Valentine's Day, though. I get all the arguments for and against celebrating such a holiday. . . it's never seemed relevant to me enough to care either way, though. Not a relationship person. Not too much of a romantic, despite the flowers. And most Valentine's Day chocolates and stuffed animals are kind of, uh, suck.
THIS YEAR, THOUGH. THIS TIME. I'm going to celebrate the holiday a little differently than normal. Can't do the hotel thing like I was planning, but I won't need it. I've never actually planned a night of relaxing alone. I'm pretty sure it's going to involve incense, cheap tealights, cheap wine, a salt scrub, music, total nakedness (obviously), no internet-times, and a small list of girly pampering activities. And buying lots of discounted flowers and rearranging them in vases to surround myself with something that isn't goddamned winter drab.
Maybe I am a romantic. Haaaaaa. There might be pictures, though, since taking pictures is also very relaxing for me. And this is clearly all about meeeeee.
(No, you can't come over that day. Unless you're naked and willing to admit it's all about meeeeee.)

I'm pretty sure we're coming to the end of my time as an MN@. I've really liked my time on the team, but with the changes happening in both my life and in the team, I think it's time anyway. I don't disagree with the changes to the team. I actually find it quite impossible to even try to look at them objectively because of how it instantly made me want to go back. I love working with them and being part of #devart with you guys, but a huge part of me craves just being entirely back into the thick of deviantART how I used to experience it. I'm a little absurd. I almost want to ask for my * back, too, just because some days I feel like I'm wearing a glaring "LOOKATME" badge. And I don't want to sound unappreciative. Because believe me, I'm not. I adore this place just as much as ever. But a lot of the time I just wanna be part of the heap.
I wouldn't dream of leaving dAmn or #devart completely. Not for quite a while. But goddamn, I do look forward to letting my hair down a little more and vroomin' along with a drink in my hand and no worries at all.
So, uh, yeah. This time it's mostly about what I want to be here. And I want it to remain a fun place where I can unwind and be myself with a community of peers from all over the world. It's been a super experience. And I certainly intend to leave on a great note. But the point remains. I think it's about time for my snail to get squished.

On that note, guys, don't forget that `Tachy-on is on the prowl for fresh'n'tender meats. If you're interested, go for it. I certainly don't regret it a bit.

Now I need to go de-fur my legs and pits before getting on dAmn. Watch out, fools.

The next three weeks or so will be filled with work, cleaning, organizing, and, uh, MOVING MY SHIT OUT.

New apartment coming up. Yeaaaaaah. Josie's goin' out on her own.

Augh, New Year's.

I've made friends, lost friends, thought about old close friends, and given up on friends who're unlikely to come back. It's been an interesting year.

I won't say it's been bad. It's been. . . interesting. But not bad. I worked all year, which is a change from the past few, with the layoffs and such. My family is picking up from the past few years of layoffs and shitty work. I'm still considering bankruptcy from last year and my dad has actually followed through with bankruptcy filing. . . but I want to be stubborn and make it without it. Despite falling behind in every single one of my goals. . .

2009 was rough. I admit that. I know that. I'll forever think of Brian's suicide. Every time I walk by his grandma's house (and yes, I have to do that any time I walk ANYWHERE) or wander around old haunts. Aaaaaand, any time I think of anything that might have to do with him. Everyone had a rough time in 2009. Without exception. And my dad's health concerns, and my aunt's, and my uncle's death, and me, and all that. . . 2010 was. . . tame. In comparison. Like a recovery year. . . I want to say I'm done recovering. Hey, we'll see. I'm sorry for the relationships lost over the past few, and one of these days maybe we'll find a way to recover or rekindle them. Who knows.
I'm moving on, and I'm going to find every way possible to enjoy that appropriately.

Who cares. It's the last day of the year. It's the start of a (rather arbitrary) new beginning. I got half a bottle of whiskey, a refrigerator of food, and a roof for the moment. Enjoy it for now, and even if the new beginnings seem meaningless in the long run, take advantage of them. I intend to.

Love you guys, and I'm still here for the long run.

Are not just us fat chicks. I promise.

It annoys me that when someone wants to portray a "real woman," they automatically come up with a bigger girl.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a big girl. I love big girls. But real women run the entire spectrum. No ass? Little boobs? Fat? Skinny? Short? Tall?

We're all real women. And I love 'em all.

So get the fuck on with your real women shit. Variety is the spice of life, after all.

(I want popcorn. Anyone got some popcorn?)

Man.

I got drunk last week. One long night and a bottle of tequila. Had the worst hangover I've, uh, ever had the next day. You know, one of those really bad never ever eeeeever drinking again hangovers.

And that night, I got drunk again. o.O And the night after.
It took four days for me to realize I was just feeding an extended shitty hangover. And gorging like it was my last day to eat EVAAAAAAH.

So anyway, I think it's time to back off a bit. And, you know, start working out again.

This is actually been a relatively good year. I've just been sulking in the fuckupery of the previous year, and letting it get to me for no goddamn logical reason at all.

So I'm not, like, an adrenaline-filled euphoric fool ready to go conquer the world and all my shortcomings in one day. But I got some shit to do. Stop stepping backward again. <.<

Short journal randomness because old journal is old:

- Yeah, I'm heeeere. A little more scarce right now, I know, but here!

- My favorite portraits are those that tell you a lot about a person without showing you their eyes. Is that weird? I 'unno. But it works. Eyes are spectacular, but when you're able to let someone into someone else's "moment" without their eyes, you're doing something right.

- Someone at work the other day planted a seed in my head about the "perfect" man or woman for me. Wanted me to come up with an imaginary perfect person. I ended up telling him that I'd probably turn that person down if I ever found him or her, because if they're "perfect" for me there's a lot less left to discover of them. But I feel unsatisfied by that answer. There isn't "perfect" in the real world, but my problem is. . . why's it so hard to actually imagine perfect?

- I never knew Joe Rogan could be funny. Randomly decided to watch a Joe Rogan stand-up performance, just, uh, because. I guess I was actually bored or something. And probably a little drunk. But at some point I found myself laughing my ass off. I think it was something to do with flying squirrel pussy people.

- . . . I'm going to ease up on the alcohol sometime. Really. Shit's expensive.

That's all. I need to finish going through deviations. YES I'M LOOKING AT DEVIATIONS AGAIN. Victory.

Well. Survived another birthday. And I haven't been laid off yet. We'll see how next week goes.

Buuuuuuuut. I did want to thank y'all for the good birthday wishes and the positive vibes. It's been a fun, relaxing few days, both in the real world and online.

Alsoalsoalso, some faaaaaaaaaabulous person got me an omgsexeh birthday present. . . It actually really does feel super-durable and stuff. Also it's pure sex. And, uh, sex.

So thanks for that, as well!

Loveyouall.

I haven't totally vanished.

Also, I have nails and can scratch your face off.

Join me for a drink this weekend, won't you all?